I dedicate this post to everyone who has ever told me how wonderful it must be to eat whatever I want and not have to argue about what’s for dinner. A special thanks, too, to everyone who likes to point out how nice it must be to come home and not have to talk to anyone.
FLIP A COIN ALREADY: A SHORT PLAY-LIKE THING
SETTING: the couch
CHARACTERS: Standard Me, Overthinking Me, and Snarky Me
STANDARD ME: It’s past 6, and I really need to eat dinner. The two Fig Newtons that I had for breakfast/snack/lunch/snack seem to be wearing off.
SNARKY ME: Here we go again.
STANDARD ME: So, I have five apps on my phone for food delivery. Delivery sounds good.
Intermission: 15 minutes of scrolling through menus, looking at prices, calculating delivery times
OVERTHINKING ME: I ordered dinner once already this week, and I didn’t budget for that– let alone two deliveries. I could go pick something up, but there’s a storm. And that’s still paying for food when I have things in the freezer.
SNARKY ME: What you have in the freezer is 6 identical frozen dinners. The exact. same. thing. you eat for dinner every day. And you wonder why you have taste fatigue?
STANDARD ME: I should really just heat up a frozen dinner. I don’t have anything to go with it, but I’ll just eat some almonds or something. All the delivery times are over an hour. But let me scroll through menus again and maybe just plan fantasy meals. Like what I would order if I were going to order.
OVERTHINKING ME: You’re spending so much time obsessing over these menus. If you’d ordered back when you first thought of this, the food would be here by now. And you haven’t made a move to walk to the kitchen. Let’s check the bank account balance, just to prove that ordering delivery is an unnecessary extravagance.
Intermission: 15 minutes examining minutiae of bank statements. Notice that my transactions actually reflect my baseline boring self. Worry. Calculate how much I spend on medical bills. Chastise myself for not being healthier, because being healthy would really save a lot of money.
SNARKY ME: Remember how this conversation started out about whether or not to get delivery?
STANDARD ME: To be honest, no. I forgot about food while I was double-checking an autodraft.
SNARKY ME: A draft might improve your current situation, if you get my drift.
OVERTHINKING ME: But the weather is bad, and there’s standing water in the streets, and I could end up driving drunk, get arrested, lose my job . . .
SNARKY ME: I was kidding, but also: QED.
STANDARD ME: My stomach is growling. Delivery times have dropped by 7 minutes, but that still pushes dinner late. Recounting my internal debate may also have slowed down the process. Hey, successfully put off making a decision! High five!
SNARKY ME: (facepalm)
OVERTHINKING ME: Okay, for real, you have got to eat. You have a meeting tomorrow and need to fuel your brain. What if you passed out during a meeting? It could happen! And it would be 100% your fault, because you can’t figure out dinner. You are going to lose your job because you can’t figure out what to eat for dinner.
Curtain drops as debate continues with no end in sight.
SpinsterLyfe 